Twinning

“We’re not that kind of twins.”

I’ve said that a lot in my life about my sister and me. Do you have telepathy? Do you dress alike? Did you go to the same school? Which one of you is the evil twin? The answer is no to all of them except the last one. The answer for that is: her, obviously.

Twins are a mystery to non-twins, and not because we’re so great. It’s because people think twins are weird. Watch any tv show long enough, ANY show, and at some point they’ll make a joke about creepy twins, or twins will be the reason they couldn’t solve the crime, or there will be some sexual innuendo (that’s incest folks – twins don’t do that, no matter what your cheap porn tells you).

There was a time a couple years ago when I decided to collect all the twin references on tv and make a twitter account showing that twins are the only people left acceptable to make fun of. I watched tv for one day, found four examples and got bored with the project. It was too easy. Seriously, I dare you to watch tv for a day, any day, and not find your own examples.

And being an adult twin means you’re just creepy. Child twins are adorable, but adult twins, especially ones like my sister and me who still look a lot alike, is just fodder for weirdos. We’re not the weirdos, the people who have to point out – to us! – that we’re twins are the weirdos.

But there is one twin thing that has always fascinated me. The annual Twin Festival in Twinsburg, Ohio. Any twin knows about this, and we often said, one of these years we’re gonna go, but we never did. In the 1990s, in NYC, there was a restaurant called Twins and it was staffed only by identical twins – and if your twin was sick, you had to call in sick that day too. They all wore nametags saying Karen not Kathy or Kathy not Karen and you had both as your servers. We only went once and it was weird, I’ll admit. But also annoying, mostly because the food was bad.

But this morning social media reminded me that this is the Twin Festival weekend and I now live only 30 minutes from where it is being held. So I went. It was in a the yard of a local high school, with a little village of concession tents and food carts, and one large event tent.

Holy moly. First of all, there were twins everywhere and they were all dressed alike. I love a little audience participation, but I’m pretty sure if we dressed alike it would only be because we were both in jeans and t-shirts. There was a church service going on in the event tent when I got there led by twin ministers. I skipped that, after noting all the paired heads bowed in prayer. There was also a beer garden run by twin brewers, which I would have visited but it was a bit too early to drink even for me.

A little further up a hill there was a huddle of tents with different twin research studies going on. I went over to one, mostly because they were giving out moisturizer (it was a skin care study) and asked if I could have some. Only if my twin and I both fill out the survey they said. “I’m a twinless twin today” I cheerily responded. Before I could add that it was because my twin is in the UK with her kids on a little summer break, I was surrounded by twins who wanted to hug me. I hugged the first woman lightly with my head leaning to her right, which she quickly corrected (“we have to be heart to heart” she said, hugging me for an uncomfortably long time.) Then I was ushered into a memorial tent with a number of other folks there alone talking about their lost twins. AWKWARD! I slowly backed out, saying oh, thank you. And they all said “we’re here for you when you’re ready to share.”

Later, as I was casually looking at a table of beaded jewelry, the woman manning the table said, “its so nice to see another singleton. I’m so sick of these twins that talk alike and walk alike.” My sister and I do sound an awful lot alike, but I decided wear the singleton label.

There is a hot dog dinner tonight for the twins, but no twin lobster option, which seems like. a missed opportunity. I did not stay long and would only go back if my twin wanted to join me, and even then I’m not sure I would.

We’re just not that kind of twins.